The stages of grief....

Five Stages Of Grief:

1. Denial and Isolation.At first, we tend to deny the loss has taken place, and may withdraw from our usual social contacts. This stage may last a few moments, or longer.
2. Anger.The grieving person may then be furious at the person who inflicted the hurt (even if she's dead), or at the world, for letting it happen. He may be angry with himself for letting the event take place, even if, realistically, nothing could have stopped it.
3. Bargaining.Now the grieving person may make bargains with God, asking, "If I do this, will you take away the loss?"
4. Depression.The person feels numb, although anger and sadness may remain underneath.
5. Acceptance.This is when the anger, sadness and mourning have tapered off. The person simply accepts the reality of the loss.

(from the http://www.memorialhospital.org/ website)


I know...this may be a tad on the dramatic side, but my inability to run lately, has been somewhat of a loss for me. I think if I knew it would be over soon, it would be easier to handle or work though, but after having tried all I know to do to help the foot situation and without much improvement, it seems as if no end is in sight. In my head, I want to make the most of this time off...rest...find other ways to exercise and basically, get a life! That's a bit harder in reality...When I decided to start training for my first marathon, over a year ago, I'll admit that it was mostly to challenge myself and see if I could really do it. Before then, I loved exercise, but hadn't run since college. Even back then, I ran to keep my weight down and basically punish myself with a hard workout, for indulging...or to stay fit for the crazy, control-freak man I was dating at the time. Running and me...well, we didn't have a healthy relationship.

Training for my first marathon was filled with little setbacks and injuries, lots of questions, and victories...as I ran further each week than I ever had before. And I thought, that once I was DONE with the marathon...goal achieved, done running..Unexpectedly, I wanted to do it again. The second time around...still had setbacks..a few less injuries...but a bit more balance and speed work every week...with someone cheering for my improvement (not just pace, but running form, being healthier, recovering smarter, and learning to set my own goals). The Bass Pro Marathon was my favorite and best race yet. Not only that, but it turns out that I LOVE running. An unexpected gift........and just for running's sake. I miss lacing up my shoes, grabbing my ipod, listening to my breath, feeling every step...

And now...two weeks later...I am grieving....back and forth between several stages of grief....I denied for days that anything was TRULY wrong, even as I put my sneakers on and couldn't STAND to have my shoes tied, finally going to the doctor after trying all I knew to do to "fix" it. I have been isolating myself, because sadly...the only DAMN thing I talk about is running and now that I can't run, the only DAMN thing I talk about or think about is NOT being able to run...That's depressing and no one wants to hear it, so I just stay away from people, so I won't be a downer. I've been angry...angry that yet, AGAIN, I am injured and that somehow any progress I make seems to be fraught with setbacks...As I look back, I know it could have happened in any run, at any time, but sometimes I wonder if the race was even worth it, because I would rather be able to run, PERIOD! Then I tell myself, YES...I'm still glad I did my race, because it was a culmination of so much hard work. I'm angry that after all this time off, I will have to start over, FROM SCRATCH, and lose all that lovely progress. I have also bargained...been depressed, thinking it will never end...and tried acceptance, with little progress.


Whether my lack of being able to run is worthy of all this drama and introspection, the feelings of grief are still there. It does not help me to ignore them, pretend they aren't there, play the "what if" game, or in general, act like a b**. Feelings are feelings...they don't discriminate, depending on whether I deem them "valid" or not...It seems like the mental stamina I practiced for the marathon, is far more applicable NOW, when faced with the unknown and things I can't control. I'm trying to make the best of what I can do and maybe the acceptance will take a bit longer. The thing is....I can't argue with how much running has become my everything...and although I love it, that's kind of sad...When I look back at my training, I realize that it has become just another way that I have come to define myself...my worth...my identity...my friends...Although I LOVE the training...the anticipation of the race, the companionship of my running buddies, the commonality of swapping stories, the challenge of pushing myself....I have neglected so many other things that mean so much to me...the MOST important, my relationship with God and my good friends. I'm not saying that I can't have both...maybe it's been poor time management or priorities...I guess I just turned to running to "fill me up", to fill that place in me that makes me feel "OK" or "worthy"....Don't get me wrong, I definitely believe that God has given me the freedom to enjoy running and get pleasure from it...but when I can't run...what does THAT do to me? It's worth a look, I guess...even though it sucks. I think the grief I am experiencing has to do with much deeper issues than not being able to run....it may just be the thing that gets me to take a long, hard look at myself...

I guess grief is part of life..I'm sure the next few weeks will be a lesson in that. Just know that I am working through some things that have some to do with running, but mostly...control...or lack of it...And don't most of us want to learn to be a little more flexible and adaptable to life, so that we don't fall apart at the smallest sign of trouble? I'm sure I won't be the easiest person to be around, but just wait it out...don't bail on me yet! Maybe you won't know what to say...or have "the answers"...that's OK...just tell me that I will be stronger through this experience. Alot of the hardest lessons in life come through hard circumstances. I am a runner..but that's just PART of who I am. Now...to figure out the rest!

BOO! CRY! SCREAM!

BOOOOOO!~!! HOOOOOOO!!!

WAAAA!!! cry...cry...scream....


Having a baby tantrum ....no running...

MD Update...

I just got back from my doctor's appointment..and can I just say...I LIKE my podiatrist. It's true. He's a quirky little guy (I say that because he CAN'T be more than 5'5) ...he is friendly, professional, and one of those kind of people that is serious...but you know that they are hilarious underneath, like the people that can look you straight in the face, say something that kills you with hysteria and not even blink...but I digress....

After inspecting my horrid feet and palpating them, having me flex and dorsiflex...blah, blah...there really wasn't much new to say. I was relieved when he said that it was NOT a stress fracture. He didn't even go so far as to say that I had tendonitis, but just that the two tendons on my foot were "irritated". I knew as much...it was partially a relief that it wasn't anything worse, and partially I was like..."What the hell then?" because it has hurt too much to be "irritated". Anyway....he suggested that since there was no swelling or redness (I don't even remember seeing that after the race), that I probably didn't make it worse by waiting to put ice on it. He suggested both ice and heat in a 1:2 minute ratio, alternating for about 20 minutes, several times a day to increase blood flow to the area. Other than that, he knows I'm cheap (and I will take samples whenever I can) and suggested "You can wait it out and it will get better over time, or... (some hesitation here) there is a compound topical cream I use and it has been very effective in reducing pain and shortening recovery time...".

"I WILL TAKE IT" I said...and I did. It is a cream that has Ketamine HCL, Lidocaine and Cyclobenzaprine HCL (aka topical Flexeril)...And that was that...I'm a sucker for fast recovery.

He didn't restrict my running or activities, but suggested that I ease back into them as it starts to feel better and to wear shoes, as much as possible, that will not be tight across the top of my foot/ankle area. Of course, if needed,... lacing my shoes a different way or not lacing the top holes of the shoes. I DIDN'T like, however, his suggestion that I can make it worse by traumatizing it over and over, which could delay full healing for 6-8 weeks...EEK! So, it didn't really give me a time frame on my running, but hopefully after using the cream for a few days, I will be able to tell a difference. I'll keep you posted on the progress. Of course, it's tempting to want a "quick fix" and I guess it could be so much worse (it's only been 8 days)..Still, that feels like an eternity to my runner's mind..oh well, at least my PR will keep me warm at night, right?

Finally.....I guess I need a doctor..

Yep....still stir-crazy...there isn't much progress, despite my avid use of the heating pad yesterday and no spinning, even though it was killing me not to. I went for a short walk yesterday in my Keen sandals, and even did a 3 minute running spurt, but there really is not enough arch support in the sandals and didn't want to cause another problem...aka...shin splints or arch pain. The only exercise it seems I can do without too much drama is Pilates...at least, some of it. I have also been trying to do some upper body to keep from turning into absolute jello. I don't know how long I will be "out of the running" (literally), but I'm going to have to clean up my diet if I want to avoid weight gain...that's thousands of calories not being burned, by my lack of being able to do any cardio! I rode my spin bike earlier in the week, but maybe it made the foot issue worse? I'm getting paranoid. Unfortunately, I cannot wear my sandals to work, so I will have to suck it up and just lightly tie my shoes on that foot for work this week. I made an appointment with my Podiatrist today. I'm going to have to go to the Conway clinic, because there was no other way to get an appointment this week otherwise. I don't know what he's going to tell me..but I figured that all I have been doing to help "my poor foot" would have helped a little more by now....

I will give an update after the appointment today!

Day 7 and counting...

Sigh....nothing new here....it's day 7 since my last run and I am bummed..I miss it and the weather has been beautiful! The top of my foot is still pretty sore and I am wondering about the whole doctor thing...should I go? I was looking at information about foot pain and injuries online and there really is very little difference between tendonitis and a stress fracture, in this particular area of my foot. I have been doing all I know to do to move the recovery along....I read that even if it is a stress fracture, a lot of times the x-ray will not even show it until 2-3 weeks after it has started healing...In other words...I can pay to go to the doctor and basically he will tell me to do the exact same things, maybe add that I should stop running even longer...

I'm not getting stupid about it...as much as I want to run, I am being a good little girl. With training resuming soon for the Little Rock (probably Half marathon), I want to make sure I am healed up and ready to go...especially when it's time to get back into speed work and hills. I guess it could always be worse, I keep telling myself that..It's not going to do me any good to get uptight about something I'm doing everything I can do help and cannot control. When it comes to injuries, I am always brought back down to my human self, my body that is not immune to pain or little mishaps. I can, however, at least try to learn from them and do the best I can to take care of myself so that I can go back to doing what I absolutely love. That's really what it comes down to...Yes, I am looking forward to the next race and all...but the act of running, just for the sake of it...is what I miss...

So...in the meantime, as I try my best to avoid going stir-crazy..you may hear from me...

A bum foot...

Well...I tried it this morning...at least, I got dressed, laced up my shoes...went outside and tried to do a little jog and .....NOPE...NOT HAPPENING TODAY...

I was so excited last night, knowing that I would be getting up to run with the girls this morning...but it did not happen. The top of the foot is still pretty sore. I hope it doesn't sideline me for too long, I miss running..

Trying not to be too dramatic about it, since it's only DAY 5 since the marathon...but on the thankful side..at least I can walk and ride my spin bike for some sort of exercise. I don't want to chance making it worse by trying to run with it still hurting. I will keep up with the meds, SalonPas, ice/heat, Vit C..and hope it gets better. I was told that if it is just a tendon issue, it should get significantly better over a few days. If it does not by Monday, I may end up seeing the Doc. Sometimes, it ends up being a Metatarsal fracture...Man, I hope not! The things I do for a PR...

Stay tuned to my future races...maybe I'll break something just to get a sub 2 half marathon...kidding...

Itching to run...but playing it safe...

Well...here it is already Thursday! I can't believe it's already been 4 days since the marathon! I am itching to run I tell you!!! The day after the marathon I was pretty sore, mostly in my hips and quads. Usually after a hard run, it's my hips and knees, but surprisingly, no knee pain! I have had, however, a pretty sore upper right foot (on top where you tie the shoestrings). I think I had my strings tied too tight for part of the race and it has been bothering me more than anything else.

I have been pretty purposeful about my recovery this time...eating well, with a good combo of protein and carbs (although I have been craving veggies like crazy!), drinking plenty of fluids, taking Ibuprofen or Tylenol and applying SalonPas patches regularly for the muscle aches, and drinking my Emergen-C Vitamin C/Glucosamine drink mix. I have really felt exceptionally well, except for the foot thing for the past 2 days! I ALMOST tried to go run today, but decided to give it one more day to let the foot heal and try an easy run tomorrow morning. I would rather be healed up and rested well, than push it, as usual, and hurt myself!

As I get back into the swing of things, I am looking at my running goals for the next few months. I have not decided whether I will do the Little Rock Half or full Marathon in March. This will probably be my next race, so I will have to see how my recovery goes and go from there. Dennis is not resuming the running clinic until February or March, so I will have to do speed work on my own. I may keep Tuesday nights as my speed work day depending on my schedule. I am used to working the same days every week, but lately I have been getting cancelled so much, who knows what shifts I will be working?! I would also like to add in some form of cross training again, because I can tell I am losing some muscle mass! I may mix it up with some more cycling and get my butt back into the pool...Sigh...well, the good thing is I'm still free to make those decisions without having to train hardcore for anything yet. Kim and Cheryl have already been running for several days and of course, Cheryl is worried about her pace...YOU JUST FINISHED A MARATHON, FOR PETE'S SAKE! I just want to run...PERIOD!!! Crazy Skipper...